A Past of Demons
by Optimistically Pessimistic
Summary: A new case brings Goren to face his past. Pyschological effect.B&A, but later in the story
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hey, I was re-reading this and thought I should explain something before you read on. The character of Goren _is_ still Goren. He's not a spy, or has a fake identity or anything. However, the way I wrote it, how he acts at home and at work, and how he views himself at each are different. Which I thought, looking back, might be confusing. There's not much problem with differentiating them here, but, possibly in later chapters there might be.

Just a warning.

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Goren's phone rang loudly, awakening him from his deep, and much needed, slumber. Checking his caller ID he paused for a moment to collect himself before answering. He would never allow himself to be caught unawares when work called. He answered quickly, giving no sign of his previous grogginess.

"Goren."

"Hey, sorry to call so soon Goren. Did you manage to get any sleep yet?" It was Deakins, he sounded regretful and tired, meaning another case had been pushed to his desk requiring the skill of his best detectives. It wasn't that Deakins didn't like them or want them working, but the pair had just closed a long, draining case and both were tired, in need of some serious rest.

"Not much, but I just woke up. Did you need us?" Goren had long ago stopped referring to his partner separately, a true testament of his connection with Alexandra Eames. She was important to him beyond almost everything else, and depended on her to keep him together.

"I'm sorry, but we just got this in. High profile, also kinda strange so I want you guys here."

"Okay, just give me the address and we'll try to be there soon. Have you called Eames yet?"

"Um, no. Actually, I was kind of hoping you would do that. She seemed kinda tired, and you would probably have a better chance of living then me." Goren chuckled inwardly, Deakins was right, but he would still have to bribe her with coffee.

"Okay, no problem. Be there soon. Bye"

He hung up the phone and laid back down for a few seconds. He loved his job, but he was _tired_. He hadn't had much time to himself lately, and had missed it. When he was home, alone, in his apartment, he could be Bobby. Just a regular guy. He could let all his walls down, and not be afraid to hurt anyone, his apartment was his safety net.

He could let himself go, sort of, with Alex, but there was always the part of himself that he kept hidden. The rational part of his mind told him she wouldn't care about it, but the larger, irrational part said she would, and Bobby wasn't risking anything. Their partnership was one of the most important dynamics of his life, and he wouldn't do anything that had half a chance to wreck it.

Bobby sighed, reigning himself in. He got up and dressed, meticulous to the end, turning himself back into Goren. He called Alex, with the promise of coffee, and left the apartment.

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Alex was asleep, and the annoying ringing was _not_ a welcome part of her dream. She muttered under her breath quiet curses before checking her caller ID, assuming it to be work. It was Bobby, and she breathed a sigh of relief. He was probably stuck on some inane detail, and once she settled him down, she could go back to sleep.

"Hello Bobby, what'd you miss." She listened to his quiet shock as he was immediately called out.

"Actually, Eames-"

"Whatever, it is. It's an anomaly. I promise. And if it's not, we can talk about it in roughly", she checked her watch, "8 hours."

"Eames, there's nothing wrong with the case."

"Well then, why are you calling?" She answered bluntly.

"Deakins called, he needs us-"

"No way, we just got off work, like, four hours ago."

"Look, I'm almost on my way now. Don't worry, I have coffee." He hung up quickly, as she let out a frustrated and tired sigh. And as she hauled herself out of bed, she swore she would make Deakins life absolutely miserable for the rest of the day.

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By the time they reached the crime scene, Alex had already finished her coffee, and it was just starting to kick in. They jumped out of the car as they watched the massed crowd around the crime scene. There were reporters and a whole wave of curious onlookers that sat outside the crime scene tape, gawking. The partners glanced at each other before deciding to run the gauntlet, both wordlessly communicating their strategies for breaking through the crowd. Goren led, while Alex fell in step behind him, letting him break through the masses. For someone who wasn't great with people, she noted he was great at working a crowd, and had them through in no time. They approached the crime scene cautiously and spotted the scene supervisor pushing his way towards them.

"Hey, we've got a male vic, 'bout 26 and, well, see for yourself, he's in bad shape." The man waved behind him to the corpse, that was surrounded by CSI's, and hurried away. Both detectives started for the corpse immediately, pulling on white gloves to protect the crime scene. Alex hung back and waited for her partner to observe first. She had noticed he liked to survey a scene before stepping into it, and didn't want to be in the way.

Goren walked into the crime scene, aware of his partners drop. He sent a silent thank you her way, and crouched down to study the body. He had on his game face and processed the crime scene mentally. There was the victim, and Goren saw what the supervisor meant by 'bad shape.' The body was badly beaten, with many cuts and bruises. They were probably the cause of death, but Goren would wait for the autopsy before declaring the fact. He simply inferred, and continued on. There was no blood, and the cuts would have left lots, so this had to be a dump site. He walked around the crime scene several more times gathering information and filing it away for later use. The coronor wasn't there yet, so they had to wait for him to clear the body before they could get the wallet that Goren could see sticking out the vic's back pocket. He paused at one end of the scene and Eames came up behind him. He was startled, but didn't show it. It un-nerved him that she could do that, that she was the only one who could evade his senses like that.

'_Maybe that's why you're attracted to her_', chanted the little voice in his head, _'She's a mystery.' _Bobby shook his head, he didn't need to slip up here, this was important! Goren resurfaced and the overwhelming rationality reinforced his presence. He noticed Eames watching him and waiting. She was waiting for the signal. He would say something that made no obvious sense, then she would turn into something intelligible. It was the way they worked.

The M.E. arrived and cleared the body shortly after, giving the detectives the wallet. Goren was busy discussing the case with the coronor and arranging a time to drop by the morgue, so Eames opened the wallet and went through the contents. No drivers license, but he did have several cards containing the name, photo, address and telephone number of himself. She called Goren over and started explaining before he even reached her.

"It's the vic for sure. Photo i.d. confirms it. Anthony Reynolds. This guy may have been self-employed, he had a whole bunch of business cards on him. Here." She handed over the cards, and continued going through the wallet. Goren peered at the cards quizically.

"Eames, I don't think these are business ca-" Suddenly Eames spoke up, interrupting him, and crowing in triumph.

"Got it, it was really buried in there, was stuck to the back of the thing it had been in it for so long. Looks like a business card to a hospital. The Good Samaritan. No contact name, just the hospital and a phone number. Could be where he works. We should go check it out."

Goren nodded dumbly, and handed back the cards. This wasn't good.

The car ride wasn't long and Eames drove while Goren stared mutely out the window. She tried to sneak glances at him, but it seemed that a bunch of daredevils were out, and if she wasn't constantly breaking as people ran across the road, she was getting cut off by a thousand different cabbies. All she could tell was that he was worried, and extremely agitated. She let him alone, knowing that he needed to work whatever was bothering him out alone. When he was ready he'd tell her what was wrong.

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They walked into the small hospital, and headed straight for the lobby desk. An older lady sat behind the desk tapping away at a computer. Alex felt her partner drop back, allowing her to deal with the lady. She smiled inwardly at how predictable he sometimes was. Well, maybe not predictable to other people but, sometimes, to her. He appeared to be less agitated and calmer. Alex attributed it to the lack of sleep and stress, and put her concern to the back of her mind. She stood patiently at the desk, waiting for the lady to finish typing and turn from her work. She turned to see where her partner was, and spotted him wandering around the entrance, going through his ever-present notebook. She was about to interrupt the lady, when suddenly a shrill, beeping noise filled the lobby. She turned to watch as her partner, still reading his notebook, moved to the edge of the hallway. Two orderlies came barreling past with someone on a stretcher, and turned at the end of the hallway, out of sight. The lady had looked up as the beeping went off, and now turned her attention to Alex with a tired smile.

"Hello there, my dear, and what can I do for you today? Are you new here, you know, I never forget a face." Alex flashed a huge smile at the old lady, as she greeted her.

"Actually, we're here from the police. My partner and I are looking for the records of a man by the name of Anthony Reynolds. We have a reason to believe he was associated here."

"Well now, I don't recognize the name, he isn't one of the doctors, but, sure you just wait a minute dear, while I see what we have in the computer." By now, Goren had appeared next to her, leaning on the counter, and waiting for the results. Suddenly, the lady gasped.

"Well, that's Tony. He's Dr. Miller's patient, he's in here all the time. No one ever called him Anthony. Such a sweet man. Did something happen to him?" She saw Goren stiffen at the lady's words, and answered before he could speak.

"Actually, I'm sorry to inform you ma'am , but we're investigating his death. Would you know if his doctor is still here, we'd like to interview to him." The lady paused, then turned to the clock. As she turned back, she noticed Goren for the first time, and her eyes did a brief double-take before moving on. Alex noticed and wondered, but her partner always attracted looks, be it his size, or manner, or combination of both, and she disregarded it.

'_It could also be his looks, Alex,_' the little voice inside her head whispered. She mentally kicked herself moments later, but it was still long enough to absorb the remark. She wondered if she'd actually thought it at all, the thought was gone quickly, and she didn't remember even thinking it up, but then realized that attributing this amount of thought towards a topic made it a moot point anyway. Besides, she should definitely not be thinking what she was thinking now, that she knew for sure. So, she tuned back into the world quickly, and focused on what the lady was saying.

"Oh yes, Dr. Miller eats lunch in his office everyday, he should still be there. He's in room-" The rest of what she said was drowned out by the sudden loud, annoying, clanging. Suddenly the room was filled with people and she stared as they milled around the accompanying two stretchers. She slowly became aware of Goren pulling her out of the lobby, and down one of the adjoining halls. She turned to face him as the doors shut behind her, blocking out the sound of the lobby.

"Thanks, I don't think I would have been able to get away from the swarm that easily." She found a wall map of the complex, and started searching for Dr. Millers office.

"Wow, damn places are built like mazes. Hey, did you hear where the office was. Goren?" She turned around, seeing an empty hallway. Looking down the hallway she spotted him nearing the end, and jogged to catch up. As she got closer she heard an elevator door ding, and jogged faster. As she rounded the corner the doors opened, and Goren stepped through, holding the door open for her out of habit.

"Goren, what are you doing? We don't even know what floor he's on, much less where his office is." He paused and looked at her, while punching one of the elevator buttons.

"I know where it is."

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Meanwhile, the lobby had calmed down, and the old lady sat back down to her computer, pondering the two detectives. She knew she had never seen the lady before, but she knew the man. She couldn't place him, but she recognized him. Older and more worndown yes, but still. She stared at her screen for a while then it hit her. She sat back, satisfied at her aging memory. She never did forget a face.

A/N: Thanks for reading! TBC? Please review and let me know what you thought.


	2. Learning and Trust

A/N : First of all, I'm really, really, really, really (x-infinity) sorry, for taking so long. As it turns out, when you leave all your homework to be done in a span of a week, you don't get to write fic much. Besides that, the last couple weeks seem to have been sent to me straight from h-ll. And I haven't even gone Christmas shopping yet!

This chapter was kindof long, and arduous to write, but neccessary to the history of the story. Unfortunately, I realized _after_ I posted that this fic had a plot to it. I hadn't actually planned on that. Since I started it with the sole purpose of angst, I got kindof stuck for a while, but never fear, I found a plot line, so now it's all good. I wouldn't let myself write anything angsty until I got past this point, however, I promise the next chapter will be chock full of nothin-but-angst, but until then, on with the plot!

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The floor was near the top, and the elevator was old, so the ride was long, and gave Alex a chance to study her partner. She watched him as they stood, wondering what was up. He stood almost at attention, then quickly broke to glance around the small space, before opening his notebook and reading a few quick notes. He couldn't stand still, and reminded her of a cornered animal. She was sure if there was room to pace he would have been doing it. She noticed his hand twitch silently, pause, then continue. Alex saw the top of his shoe move as he tapped his toe rapidly in his boot, and felt his agitation grow with each floor. She noted how he was glancing around wildly, like someone new to New York that was watching all the sights at once. She glanced up at him as he continued to move, and decided he was better left to his thoughts at the moment. She would question him later.

Meanwhile, Goren's mind was racing. He was not comfortable here and needed to leave. Now. He fought the panic, now rising in his chest, and struggled to remain still. But the excess energy of fighting a hard battle, though mental, showed through, and he was painfully aware of his constant movement, though could not stop it. The elevator continued to rise and then stop while, unseen, his mind sped on.

They reached the floor and Goren exited the elevator abruptly, turning left and speeding down the hallway. Alex hurried after him in a light jog, still barely pacing him. He slowed near the end of the hall and stopped silently infront of a door. The doctors name was written in faded lettering on the door. She took his stop as a sign for her to step in, and she stepped forward to knock on the door.

"Wait," She froze, the word barely above a whisper, and turned to look at Goren. He was standing behind her, wearing a mask of stone. His head dropped down to his chest, and he took one slow, deep breath. It had almost been quick enough, but not quite. She had seen his eyes for the briefest fraction of a second, and had aborbed the panic, hurt, and fear they held. Then, just as suddenly as he had spoken, his head snapped up and his game face was on. His eyes betrayed nothing anymore and he gave her one small nod. She turned back to the door and rapped firmly, her mind racing at the thought of her partner being this nervous. Something was wrong.

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The pair entered the room together, and the doctor looked up from where he sat. The room had the requisite degree, and honours, certificates posted around the room. There were several pictures of him with happy, smiling, patients. There was also a small collection of cards congratulating him for his 40 years of dedication to the hospital. The doctor put down the pen he was using and stared at them.

They were quite the sight, for people who hadn't met them before. They used it to their advantage, playing on each other to give a unique effect. Their faces betrayed nothing as they moved towards the doctor in greeting, each subconsciencely moving to incorporate the other in the small, cramped office. Alex took the lead and reached out to shake the man's hand.

"Hello... Doctor Miller? We're with the police we'd like to ask you a few questions, I'm Detective Eames, this is my partner Detec-" Goren cut her off abruptly, shocking her.

"Hello, how are you? You're Dr. Miller, I presume?

"Yes, yes, I am. Can I ask why the police are coming to talk to _me_?"he asked in what appeared to be a mildly shocked manner. Alex spoke up quickly.

"We understand you had a patient by the name of Tony Reynolds, would you happen to know when the last time you spoke with him was?"

"I wouldn't know off the top of my head, but you have to understand that Tony is a very sick man. If he did something wrong, I can assure you that he had no idea what he was doing." Alex stared at the doctor with a sympathetic look in her eyes.

"I'm so sorry Doctor, but Mr Reynolds was found murdered this morning." She paused. "Now, would you have any idea who would want to hurt him, who his enemies were, anything at all?" The doctor sat in his chair, in shock. He slowly shook his head,

"Tony didn't have any enemies, he didn't really have any friends either. Couldn't distinguish the two. Murdered ... my god. He was such a good person, and didn't have any family left." He continued shaking his head, then looked up with a start.

"My goodness where are my manners, have a seat, both of you, I assume you have some questions about him." Alex gave him a surprised look, she hadn't expected the doctor to understand right away. Many doctors, even after being informed about the death of a patient, refused to let them have their medical records, much less discuss the patient. The doctor gave her a sad grin.

"We get a lot of suicides around here, most of us know the drill pretty well." Alex ducked her head in silent apology and started the questions.

"So far we've heard from you and the lady at the desk that he was sick. What exactly was wrong with him?"

"Oh, Tony was a sufferer of a severe form of schizoaffective disorder. He was being tested in a new drug trial, it was having moderate success, he was opimistic about his future." At Alex's questioning look, he offered a further explanation.

"Schizoaffective disorder, it's a class of schizophrenia. However instead of the standard symptoms, there is also an emotional disorder present. It can present as many things, but most oftenly as a form of major, and/or manic depression. Actually, I'm a specialist in schizophrenic disorders, I-" Suddenly Bobby, who had been growing increasingly agitated, shot up from his chair, and turned for the door. He caught Alex looking at him, but couldn't immediatly place her reaction, and he mumbled something about leaving notes in the car, then fled.

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'Ok, Alex is not going to be thrilled. Really, _really_, not thrilled' Bobby was back in the elevator, intent on running, somewhere... anywhere that wasn't there. He paced freely, using the space his partner had once occupied. His mind began to slow, not by much, but enough to be manageable once more. The elevator dinged while the doors opened and he exited swiftly.

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Meanwhile, Alex was left in the doctor's office, sitting in stunned silence. She looked down at her small notebook, recouping her mind from shock. She looked up and saw the quizzical look on the doctors face. She was about to start making excuses when the doctor started talking.

"Your partner seems like a different man, but, familiar. I keep thinking I've seen him before."

"Well, we are one of the best teams in Major Case, we end up with a lot of the high profile cases. Sometimes we get interviewed for t.v., you probably saw him there last week for the case we just finished." Alex couldn't resist preening a little bit, and smiled.

"Actually, I don't really watch much television. What was his name again?" Alex gave him a look, but it was an innocent question.

"Goren. Detective Goren, he's o-" the doctor cut her off with a look of surprise.

"Wait, Goren, as in Robert Goren. Well, no wonder he's familiar, but I haven't seen him in years." The doctor looked down guiltily, "Also, no wonder he left like he did." Eames was once more the one confused, and was really beginning to hate the feeling. She stared at the doctor for some sort of further explanation, and the doctor looked at his desk.

"I'm assuming you know something about Detective Goren's family history?" She nodded, urging him forward, "Well, this was the first place that Mrs. Goren received treatment, and, well, I was the first person to tell him of his mother's condition."

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Bobby had left the elevator and was practically running through the lobby when he heard his name called behind him. He turned and saw the lady from the lobby hurrying after him.

"Bobby Goren, you get back here this instant. There is no way on God's green earth you're leaving here before you say hello to me. Imagine, abandoning an old women like that. Well, your manners have certainly become a bit more than substandard now haven't they. You should've stuck around here longer, then you really would have learned a thing or two." She caught up to him, and stood with her hands on her hips, and a glint in her eye.

"Now, are you going to give me a hug or do I need to call an orderly?" He smiled slightly and reached out, enveloping her in a giant hug. Then he stepped back as she studied him.

He had recognized her as soon as they arrived, it was one of the main reasons he had hung back as long as he did. Her name was Annie Ross, and she had worked the front desk as long as he had known her. She had been the one that he went to when things upstairs had gone wrong. When his mother had had a fit, or was just plain unresponsive, he would go see Annie, and she would take care of him. She would talk to him, not treat him like an idiot like most of the doctors, and not look at him with pity like most of the nurses, she just accepted that he existed. She didn't treat him special because he was smart, and she taught him to deal with what you're given, and to take what you receive with thanks. When his mother needed to be transferred to a better facility, she was one of only things he had truly missed about the Good Samaritan. She had been on vacation leave so he had never said good-bye, it was something he had always regretted, and was deeply ashamed for.

But, Annie was Annie. She treated him the exact same as she had when he was a kid, and, unfortunately for Bobby, she could read people just as well as she used to. Sensing something was wrong, the small statured women pulled out of the hug and looked up at him.

"Now, I think I'm thinking I'm a bit hungry. Why don't we go get something to eat?"

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Alex sat in a wierd, sort of transient, state. On one hand she was aware of everything the doctor was saying. On the other, she wasn't even aware he existed. She sifted through all of her partner's actions in the past hours and things fell into place like puzzle pieces. His nervousness, agitation, and almost constant far-off-staring-while-lost-in-his-mind moments not only made sense, but now seemed completely reasonable. She supposed getting lost in your past can do that to you. She felt a wave of sympathy wash over her like a draft of warm air, and she felt her heart go out to him. Suddenly a white hot burst of anger poured through her and she straightened. Why hadn't he told her this? Did he think she was stupid, that she didn't care? He should've trusted her! She sat confused, as Dr. Miller started speaking.

"He didn't tell you did he. Well, he hasn't changed much, that's for sure. He wouldn't. The Bobby Goren I knew couldn't even understand his own emotions, much less convey them. It's one of the side-affects of living with a mentally ill person. Your life's sole purpose is to help _them_. To understand _them_. It's a fairly common predicament for families like his. I tried to convince him to go to therapy once, but that failed spectacularly, I guess he never changed." He paused, noticing the still partially confused look still on Eames face. Considering his options, and judging by the look of concern on Eames' face, he offered an explanation.

"Do you know anything specific about Robert's mother," he questioned gently. She shook her head mutely, and stared at him.

"Mrs. Goren had a form of schizophrenia called undifferentiated schizophrenia. It means that she would experience various symptoms for varied lengths of time, it's not predictable in its actions. This makes treatment hard. Sometimes the symptoms could be minimal to non-existant, other times a full-blown hallucination or rage. In my opinion it's the type most strenuous on families, not even having the stability of a predeterminate set of actions, or affects. The fact that Robert was left virtually alone didn't make matters any better. Mrs. Goren was an in/out patient here for almost seven years. The last time I saw him, he was about 14. In a way he blamed me for his mother's illness. He couldn't blame her, he could never do that, but in his mind I was the one that made it real, so I was the monster." Alex understood, at least from a rational point of view, what he was saying. He couldn't tell her, because he was too busy processing it himself. On a subconscience level though, she still was upset that he hadn't told her. Or at least warned her. The doctor stood up from behind the desk, and gave her a sympathatic look.

"Look, Detective, go find your partner. Tony Reynolds was a good man, he didn't deserve to die, and had no known enemies. If you have anymore questions feel free to call me, but, I have a session with a patient in three minutes. Good luck, Detective." He reached across the desk and shook her hand while passing her his card. She thanked him and left, her mind reeling from the amount of information it still had to process. It wasn't so much that she'd learned _a lot_ about her partner's life, but the fact that he never really gave her that much information to begin with made the amount seem astronomical. She pressed the elevator button and sighed.

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Annie had gotten coffee for the both of them and, after coaxing out some details about the past couple of hours, they had returned to the front lobby. Bobby sat just behind her watching her work and listening to her stories about her grandkid's lives. He felt himself slowly begin to decompress, and even made a few witty comments. Just as he was beginning to feel relaxed, she swung around in her chair and gave him a look that saw right through him.

"Why are you so nervous?" He immediately twisted his head away, looking at the wall. His fingers started tapping again, and he fidgeted.

"I don't know, I just..." He knew it wouldn't be an acceptable response, but it bought him some time to process his thoughts.

"Yes, you do. What is it?" He remained silent, and she continued to stare at him.

"Allright, I'll tell you then. You're scared. Of what, I don't know. Only you know that and, frankly, it's only yours to know. However, you can't just run away from it, you know that. I know it hurts to be back here, but maybe you could let your partner help you. She can deal with this for you." His eyes flashed and she knew she had struck a nerve.

"Your partner, she doesn't know, does she." It was a statement, and Annie let it hang there, to see how he would react to the bait. He jumped at it, his voice becoming stronger and more clear.

"Of course, she knows. It's hard not to work with someone everyday and not at least learn the basics of their lives. She just doesn't know... everything." He paused, then sensing her next move, preempted it.

"And she shouldn't have too. These are my problems. I won't just dump them on Eames because they got a bit heavy. She doesn't deserve any of this." She reached out and took his hand. She sensed his caring for the women, and tread carefully.

"No, she doesn't. But, you don't either. Always remember that. She won't run away, Bobby. Just do me a favour today, trust her at least a little bit, okay?" He looked at her out of the corner of his eye, his head once more facing away. Slowly he nodded, and she smiled. She patted his hand and turned back to her work. Bobby sat regrouping his thoughts. She had returned to telling stories about grandkids, and he listened with mild interest. He was just sitting back into his chair when the door on the far side of the lobby opened, and his partner walked through, towards him.

A/N : Okay, some parts seemed kind of cheesy, and if you guys can all pretend that, yes the doctor would just randomly give away patient information like that, that would be nice. I know some parts were fairly abrupt, but I really just wanted to get over this chapter.

Big THANK YOU to all reviewers, you guys make my day. A thank you just the same to all you readers. However, I still hope to slowly convert you all to reviewers. If this is any incentive, all reviews make me want to write more. Also, if there's lots and I haven't updated in a while, I start feeling really guilty, which (strangely) makes me write faster then excitement, so either way you win.

Thanks for reading, see you all next time.


	3. Thinking but not before speaking

A/N: Hello, all loyal readers! How are you all today? I hope this chapter is better than my last one, 'cause I still think it pretty much sucked. Still maintaining it was important, but yeah, sucked. Anyway, meet you all at the end.

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Alex Eames entered the lobby, and looked around. When the room wasn't filled with people and really noisy klaxons, it wasn't all that bad. She walked over to the front desk, about to ask the lady if she had seen her partner. Then she saw him.

Her partner was sitting behind the desk with the lady, concentrating very hard on watching what she was doing. He was purposely avoiding her gaze and she knew it.

"Goren!", she called out. She realized to late that she had sounded much harsher than she had meant to. He looked up, not being able to avoid her any longer.

Bobby just sat there, somehow still hoping she hadn't noticed him. He stood up, nervously wringing his hands, and tilted his head to the side.

"Look, Eames, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be rude or anything, but see... w-well... umm, really it's..." He inwardly kicked himself for stuttering and avoiding the issue. But that didn't mean he was going to stop.

Luckily, Eames stopped him before he started into complete babbling.

"Forget it, we need to get going, the captain's waiting at the station for an update." With that, she turned and hightailed it out of the lobby, leaving Bobby to stare at her retreating back.

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He walked out into the parking lot, and spotted her getting into the drivers seat of their car. He hurried over to the car, almost panicking she'd leave him behind. As he placed his hand on the door, he took a deep breath, calming himself. He knew she'd have a lot of questions, he just didn't know where he was going to get all the answers.

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In the car, Alex took the same deep breath. She'd decided not to tell him what she had learned from Dr. Miller, he'd share it in his own time. She didn't want to dig up the past on him, but who could blame her, she was a _detective_ after all. 'I'm his partner,' she reasoned, 'If you can't share with your partner, who can you share with.' Then, as soon as she thought it, the other part of her mind started in with the 'You know, Alex, outside of this job that whole _partner_ thing means something entirely different.' She buried it immediately, but not before realizing that particular sentiment was getting a lot more frequent. Mentally devoting time towards that later, she focused back on the moment. Her partner had gotten into the car and was now becoming very interested on the car's flooring. As she turned towards him, making no move to even attempt to start the car, she watched him. He was simply staring at the floor, with that slightly uneasy child-like look. Like a kid who had gotten caught copying his homework, and really didn't want to explain why, but had to. That whole, 'please-think-I'm-invisible, please-think-I'm-invisible' thing kids do when they get in trouble.

"Sooo, do I have to ask, or will you just tell me." He continued to have a staring contest with the floor, so she pushed on, using logic this time.

"Look, Bobby, whatever is going on in your head is something I need to know. We're partner's, we look out for each other, that means that if you're distracted by something, than I need to know about it." This time he looked up, not at her, but still, it was an improvement. She saw him swallow hard, and watched as he squirmed around in his seat. He tilted his head, and she realized the rational part of him had won.

With that, Goren turned so he could barely see her out of the side of his eye.

"When my Mum was diagnosed with...well..., she was sent here. That doctor was the first one that ever told me something was wrong with her, I hadn't gotten used to hospitals yet, so I guess this one still kindof makes me nervous. She was here on and off for treatment for almost seven years. This was where they ran all the tests, and where she stayed when she'd had a...a...an episode. I guess I just associate this place with negative emotions still. It's actually quite interesting if you study it from a psychological point of view, see the human brain connects..." He noticed her head turn slightly and realized he was getting side tracked.

"Anyway, its just I still think that-" She held up her hand to silence him.

"Bobby, it's alright, I understand. I mean, this is your past, you don't need to explain everything, just, give me a warning next time, okay?" He nodded mutely and turned to look back out the window.

He wondered how badly he'd really acted, and tried to shift his mind to her point of view, but he just couldn't get past his bias. It's not like he'd never been this…distracted, but normally he could focus at work, or at the very least, multi-task. It was kind of disturbing he realized, he had never understood how people could be this distracted before. But that didn't really help. He thought back to the nights he'd spent sleeping in those uncomfortable beige chairs. With his homework beside him on the floor, and a book on behavioral therapy lying across his chest. In contrast, he remembered the nights he'd spent alone at home, worrying about her while she was kept there. He still didn't know which was worse: sleeping in that waiting room, or staying home and worrying.

Bobby hadn't even realized that the car had started moving until they were half-way back to One PP. He had slipped into a mode he called his 'sleeper' state. His mind could race, panic and turn into absolute chaos, but he wouldn't notice a thing around him. Normally, he would stay like that until his mind sorted out whatever it needed to sort out, then he would be fine. Also, normally, he would be stuck in the haze by himself. It was odd to him that he could be relaxed enough to disregard his surroundings. He had learned his lesson well and truly, early on. 'Rely on yourself' was practically his life's motto. He was always alert, always watching. From early in his teen years, Bobby had begun to realize the change in his personality when he wasn't alone. Whenever he left the house, or met new people, it felt like he was on some sort of high alert system. In the early years it had exhausted him, remaining constantly vigil. He had had few friends in high school, but the ones he did have were able to live with, if not understand, that he didn't 'relax'. Over time he had grown used to it, he had no need to become close to anyone, and the personality change occurred automatically now. He hadn't learned until much later in life, when flipping through an old psychology book, that he had created it as a defense mechanism. It had been almost funny when he'd realized it. With all the research and effort he had put into the subject, it was quite a simple concept to understand, and he was amazed he hadn't learned about it sooner. For a long time, it just didn't matter to him. He didn't have any close friends or relatives, and he went through his life with relative objectivity. For a long time, he had thought that hadn't changed.

He had always thought that people were temporary, that you only had to make friends with yourself, because, in the long run, that's who you're really stuck with. The he met her. At first he didn't think there was anything different about her. She was just another partner in a long line of partners. But somewhere along the line, without him noticing, she became more. She was more than his partner, she was his friend, and in a way, family. _Okay, maybe not quite family_, he thought and smiled inwardly, _'cause those are definitely not family thoughts_. Then he caught himself. How had she gotten so close, but more importantly, why did he not really seem to mind? He knew the answer, but buried it quickly. Even if by some miracle she found out what his true feelings were, she would never reciprocate them. How could she be with somone like him, a man too horribly messed up to even understand his own feelings? Besides, how could he endanger her like that. He was just going to get sick in a few years anyway, why bother? He sighed inwardly, and returned to deciphering his reaction to the hospital.

------------------

After half an hour of driving, and now being stuck in traffic, she was getting annoyed. She really didn't want to bother her partner, but he was being so damn annoying! With every mile that they put between them and the hospital, she noticed him visibly relax. Unfortunately, that didn't seem to deter him.

------------

Bobby was abruptly shaken out of his haze by Eames randomly hitting his arm. While trying to drive through the masses of yellow taxis that were a constant in New York, she kept whacking him in the arm whenever she could. She turned from watching a particularly daring cab cut off a large truck, to see him looking at her quizzically.

"What?", she asked. He continued to look at her, then,

"I could ask you the same thing. Why were you hitting me?"

"Well, isn't it a wonderful time to go deaf, now. I asked you, like, five times to stop that infernal counting. You just decided to ignore me. Hitting was kinda my only option. Hey-", she started to yell at the taxi. again. Goren just stared at her.

"Counting?"

"Yeah, you know 1,2,3,4,5..., you were tapping too. What, you don't remember" Now it was Alex's turn to look worried, was he suffering from some sort of memory loss or something?

Bobby sighed and just looked frustrated.

"Sorry, I didn't realize I still did that, you can hit me sooner next time, okay?"

"_Still did that_, why, _what_ is that?"

"Oh, it's nothing, just a...uh, habit, I had as a kid. I guess I started doing it unconsciencely, again. I thought I'd stopped completely." He returned to staring out the window. Although he wasn't done analyzing the situation, he was ready to think about something else.

"Why, is the traffic so bad anyway. Did I miss something?" Although the traffic was normally bad, this seemed to be worse, and he flipped on the radio. As soon as he did, they both sat in silence listening to the announcer warning everyone away from the street they were currently stuck on. Apparently there'd been a huge fire, and the road would be slow for hours. Eames, slammed the steering wheel in frustration, and immediately began twisting around to see how they were going to get out. Meanwhile, Goren called the Captain, letting him know they couldn't make it to One PP. By the time Goren was done convincing the Captain that there really wasn't anything major they had learned, Eames had gotten them out of the worst part of the traffic jam. Though Deakins wasn't happy, he seemed to understand, and told Goren that he'd better see them bright and early tomorrow, to make up for it.

Then Goren noticed a slight problem. One PP was right by the fire site, and Eames' apartment was very close to One PP. He didn't want to make her drive all the way around the fire, it would take her hours to get home. And after she had been so nice to him too.

"Eames, your apartment is close to the fire, there'll be traffic jams for hours, it'll take you too long to get home. Did you want to stay at my place for the night? Besides, we're just going to have to go visit the Reynolds family in the morning, and my place is closer than yours."

Then Goren stopped and replayed the entire sentence in his mind. Did he actually just ask her to stay the night with him. The night. With him. At his apartment. With him. For the night, the whole night. Sometimes Goren really hated Bobby.

----------

Alex looked at her partner in surprise. He seemed to be surprised with himself. She had seen his apartment of course, but only briefly. When they were running past and he needed something, or she just waited while he went for a quick change of clothes. She realized she'd probably never spent more than 20 mins. at a time in the place.

"Um, are you sure. I don't have a change of clothes or anything..."

"Don't worry, I'll lend you some of my stuff, you'll be fine."

"Are you really sure, I mean, I'd hate to impose..." she said. _'Well, actually I'd love to impose, I just never thought you'd let me.'_

"It's not a problem, really, stay."

-----------------

_Okay, genius, we're still speaking. Why are we still speaking? PLEASE, stop speaking. Please, please, please, stop speaking._ The problem with having a really rational part of yourself, Goren was learning, was that there was also a really irrational side of you to balance it out.

_Besides, you're just embarassing yourself, she'll never want to stay._

_------------------_

She looked at him one last time, then nodded. She would most definitely love to stay the night.

------------------

Bobby almost cheered.

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A/N: Okay, hope it was better then the last one. No, I don't actually know where Eames lives, but if you want Eames to stay at Bobby's house, then you'll forgive me.

On another note, I'm getting rather busy, and am looking for a beta. If anyone is interested, see my profile and e-mail me, please. Till next time,

Opti ;)


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